Hey Kids, Wanna See A Dead Body?
by Silver W. King
Summary: The Holy Grail War. You know, somethings I think people forget that one of the Co-Founders to the creation of the Grail System was the Kaleidoscope. So now our dear participants, especially our lovely Caster, will learn what happens when you try to cheat the system.
1. Prologue

**A/N: **This isn't so much as story as it is a record of a Quest RP that I have on another forums. You can check it or participate if you want. You can see it here

forums . spacebattles dot com / threads / overpowered-servant-quest-nasu-crossover . 254100

* * *

**Prologue:**

The Throne of Heroes.

A garden that isn't a garden. A castle that isn't a castle. A paradise that serves as the final resting place to warriors and heroes of legend alike. A record for all those who left there marks upon the history that shaped the world.

Whether they were remembered anymore or not. whether their civilization or even their names where remembered or not. Whether they exist in the past present or future. Within the Throne, the memories of all heroes are kept safe and secure.

Untarnished by sands of time. Forever eternal. The Throne keeps the memory and records, not just of heroes, but also of those name, presence or actions had caused ripples within the world and the era they lived in. For that reason, even if its called "The Throne of Heroes", in there, lays other legends as well.

Murders, monsters, abominations. Oh yes, there are many legends within the Throne. Not just of heroes, but also of anti-heroes and villains alike. For one person's hero, is another person's villain after all.

Also there is never one version to a heroes legend, nor does that legend originate from just one world. The Throne exists outside of Time and Space, and for that for even on hero, there could be a near infinite number of legends and variations to it.

But there is no need to worry. All of this means is that the memories of all heroes are recorded and will always be kept safe. Within the Throne they rest. After their ordeals and trial they simply sleep and dream. Dream of tranquility and serenity.

For a long time it felt like all they ever experienced was but a long blissful dream. An enjoyable slumber that seemed to go on forever.

But then, it came...

The Summons.

A shout reaching out through the ether, clawing, grasping, trying to cross impossible distances. Yet against all odds, they heard it.

A call for battle, a call glory, a call for a champion to come forth and bring victory. And for their triumph they would attain...

A Wish.

A wish for a second chance, a wish for salvation, or even a wish for destruction.

Even without the wish they still have your own reasons for wanting to answer this summons, or they might have even been summoned forcefully.

There where many that heard it. Some lying in wait, some caught of guard and some prepared for it, but the one that ultimately answered the call was...

...The last person who should have received it.

"Hey kids. Wanna see a dead body?"


	2. A Servant You Really Don't Want To Have

**Chapter 1: A Servant You Really Don't Want To Have**

Ten years.

After a meager period of ten years, the war between sever heroes and seven Magi started anew. A war for a wish the Holy Grail would grant to the winner. A war whose predecessor ended in devastation, as hundreds of innocent people died in a cataclysmic fire. The Fourth Grail War was a disaster under all aspects, bringing only grief and pain to all it's participants and the people of Fuyuki City.

Fuyuki City lost over four hundred people in the fires that suddenly appeared in its local park.

All Fourth Grail War's participants – Master or Servant mattered little – had lost something in that tragedy. Be it family, friends, ideals, or even just a chance of hope.

Many were been affected by this war and many would look back to it with a grim look, determined to avoid repeating the mistakes committed in that war. All the Masters of the Fifth Grail War – whether they were chosen intentionally or not – all prepared for the ordeals the war would bring. All but one.

Mólies Skótoze Xechási*. The Master of Servant Caster.

The Magus who...honestly no one is going to remember or give a shit about him. He was killed by his Servant two days after summoning her, and using up all his Command Spells on nonsensical orders.

* * *

_'Good riddance.'_ Caster grimaced in annoyance at the memory of her short-lived previous Master.

Fate had dealt Caster a bad hand with her Master. Arrogant, self-absorbed, short-sighted, lecherous, hyper-active, _blond_, and the list goes on. Honestly, in light of her previous life, Caster wasn't really all that surprised at the negatives qualities of her previous Master After all, the Witch of Betrayal is bound to suffer, right?

Well, she showed that arrogant, perverted snob what happens to those who try to lay their hands on her. Of course afterwards, without a Master to provide her with a source of Prana, Caster was bound to disappear. Return to the grail with even having the chance to fight for her wish. A wish of acceptance.

And yet, against all odds – as if the World was finally giving her a break – right on the verge of fading into the grail, she met him. Her Souichirou-sama. Selflessly, he saved her and gave her a place to stay. Even when she explained her nature and her situation to him, he still proceeded to aid her. For someone like her – who was always cursed and blamed by others – to be suddenly given so much with such open generosity, greatly warmed her heart. Caster knew that her Master, Souichirou-sama, was not normal. He was not emotionless, but simply cold. Yet she saw this as another attractive trait about him. And so, with renewed resolve, she set on to win the grail, so she could live with her beloved. Using her scrying abilities, she was able to find out that all the Servants have been already summoned, except for the Assassin and Saber Classes.

Caster also needed a Servant to guard the entrance to her residence, the Ryuudouji Temple. And in another timeline, across the kaleidoscope, she would have summoned a Servant Assassin who was not a "true" Heroic Spirit. Yet, surprisingly, still was a swordsman whose skill with the blade was worthy of being called legendary. In this one however, she wanted to summon a Servant of the Saber Class. After all, what better guard could exist be better than an Hero whose fame also focused on their blade; thus allowing them to be summoned into what is believed to be the "Most Outstanding" Servant Class.

So here she was – far into the hours of the night when her powers were at their highest – using her abilities of Magecraft, that she learn when the time of the Age of the Gods still existed, she altered the Summoning Ritual to obtain her desired Class. Of course such distortion to the Summoning Ritual, or better yet, such _parody_, is bound to have unexpected consequences.

* * *

Deep within the Throne, a "hero", and the term is being used very loosely here, heard the call to the Grail War.

_'Well, well, well. Isn't this an amusing gig.' _The Heroic Spirit that heard the call for the grail had been known is his world as Alucard. Arguably, the most powerful creature in his original world. A being with such strength, that him being a Vampire was practically secondary. He was known for many deeds in his long life, beginning with fighting the Turks when he was once known as Vlad the Third or Vlad Tepes, and supposedly ending with his final stand against the Nazi terrorist group known as Millennium. Note the "supposedly" part, many believe that he never really died in that battle, or he died and came back. Either way that is not our story right now.

_'A summoning. To a war with seven chumps, and seven Harry Potters. Now isn't this something that has the potential to be a massive shitstorm even more than Michael Bay directing the Transformers movies.'_ In any case, _this_ was not that Alucard. Oh sure, they had the same history, same legend, same power and all. However the story of this Alucard had a...unique perspective to it, and to the eventual dread and madness of all the participants of the Fifth Grail War, this Alucard chose to answer the call for the grail._ 'Alright, time to bust outta this joint.' _And of course, for such a distinctive Servant the grail offered a distinctive Class.

The Abridged! Class.

Yes, it comes with an exclamation mark.

* * *

As he began to materialize Alucard looked at the information the grail provided him with. _'So this little tournament where people from history text books get to show off their wangs, and it is in Fuyuki, which's in Japan.' _As he finished materializing Alucard appeared in a thinking pose. "Japan, Japan. What does that remind me of?"

With the summoning complete, Caster had her first good look at her Servant. She was honestly intrigued on how someone who did not resemble a Knight – he did not even carry a sword! – could be a Saber. _'Did I fail?'_ Caster wondered. She saw him muttering to himself, and decided failure or not, she now had a Servant and it was time to put him to use. Thankfully, Caster had modified the Summoning Circle so the leylines would provide the Prana needed for her new Servant, while she maintained her status as the Master along with the Command Spells.

"Servant." Caster said evenly to draw the attention of man with the red trench coat.

"Japan, Japan. Oh, now I remember. Zombie apocalypse. Aaah, good times." Said Alucard as the memory finally returned to him. Who would have thought that one little undead could have caused such a mess. Still, cleaning up the mess was fun as hell.

Caster blinked at her Servant's exclamation _'What apocalypse?'_ The grail provided her with an explanation for the term, which only made her more confused at what the Servant was talking about. _'Not important, later.'_ She shook off her wayward thoughts and regained her balance. "Servant." She tried again with a much more serious tone.

Finally gaining his attention, Alucard turned to answer Caster. "And you are?"

Caster straighten her back and with answered with confidence. "Your Master."

Alucard took an appeasing look at her, and then replied. "Yes. Yes, you are~. So how much do you get for this gig?"

"What?" Caster asked in puzzlement.

"I mean, I don't mind the whole S&M thing, it add flavor to try it out every once in a while, but I don't like to be cheated out of my money." Alucard already knew who Caster was, however the reason for his conversation start is...fuck it, because he wants to see how long until she completely loses it.

Sadly for Caster, the grail provided her with information for the terms that were just used as well. Her jaw dropping as soon as she realized what her Servant was talking about. "Y-y-you d-disgusting, lecherous whelp." Caster cast a lightening spell meant to torture with electrocution the victim and cook them from the inside out. For a normal person, it would be a painful almost instant death. For a Servant, it would definitely hurt, a lot, but it would not kill them. "How dare you insinuate that I'm some service woman! Understand who you are talking to! I am your Master in this Grail War, and I will not tolerate such insults!"

As the spell hit Alucard, he simply...remained standing where he was, being electrocuted and not even flinching. "Woah, looks like we've got one with a temper here."

In response, Caster charged her spell with a shout and let it end with an explosive blast. It was a good thing that she had placed a Bounded Field earlier, otherwise the whole neighbourhood would have seen that. There was a bit of smoke from her attack that quickly disappeared, showing Alucard still where he was, without even a hint of injury. "Damn, I didn't know that frying people with lightning was the way to greet them these days. Talk about a shocking welcome."

Caster's eye twitched in annoyance at see how her Servant wasn't even affected. She sighed and messaged her temples, trying to ward off the incoming headache, when a sudden thought came to her. _'This is odd. I'm not usually that quick to lose my temper, even if the Servant so far has proved to be detestable.'_ She decided to take a quick look at the Servant stat sheet, using the occasion to also find out his Class. Sure she could ask him, but currently Caster felt like she wanted to keep her interaction with this Servant to a minimum.

What she found out proved that, it really was a good idea to minimalize her interactions with the Servant...and ultimately futile. "Servant...Abridged?"

"Wrong!" Alucard instantly interrupted her. "It is Abridged! You need to say it with feeling."

Caster ignored him and looked again at Alucard's stat sheet. _'He has sarcasm as a_ skill_.' _Her eye twitched again at what she's seeing. _'And what in Hades' name is "Troll"? What's with this useless description?'_ Caster kept looking at the stat sheet until her mind's eye landed on "Symptoms Of The Surreal". Caster's eye twitched once again, violently this time and she slowly started to develop a mind crushing headache. 'I summoned an false version of the Servant. Not only that, but this skill forcibly induce the Master to lose their temper while dealing with the Servant. Does this means he exists solely to annoy his Master?'

Oooh Caster, you have no idea how true that is.

"You know, you should get that eye of yours checked. Seriously, you look like you might get an ulcer or something." Alucard supplied helpfully.

Instantly, Caster once again lost her temper. "Silence! I will not be made a mockery of by a-"

However, whatever she was going to say next was interrupted by Alucard's next action. "Well, this greet and meet has been fun, but I'm going for a walk." And with that he turned and began to walk away.

"What?" Caster asked in bewilderment at what her Servant just said. Immediately she regained her bearings and shouted at the impulsive Servant. "Servant, I order you to come back here at once. You can't leave the mountain. You won't be able to gain your Prana without it." Shame that she never got his name, maybe then she could have seen his Noble Phantasms and realized the futility of her actions.

"That's what she said. By the way, I want my room to have a view. Later!" Alucard replied back as he disappeared within the shadows, leaving the Ryuudouji Temple.

**"Abridged!" **Shouted Caster.

* * *

"Well what do you know, she did say the title with feelings this time." As Alucard passed the threshold of the temple, he immediately felt as if he was losing all his strength. Realizing that he lost the connection to Prana maintaining him in this world, he easily fixed the problem and used the souls he had acquired in his life to continue on.

"Now then, what to do?" Wondered our psychotic "hero".

* * *

A/N: (*) Just thought I should mention this. Mólies Skótoze Xechási - Mólis skóto̱se xechásei - soon killed forgotten


	3. Masters of Trolls

**Chapter 2: Masters of Trolls**

Kotomine Kirei was a very empathic man.

Empathic in the sense that he could see emotions in others and identify them. For all his live he was a very understanding person. When he was a young priest, people loved to talk to him about their problems. He had patience, he always listened to what they have to say and his advising style was welcomed by a lot of people. Many have described their talks with him to be "straightforward, with no nonsense or bullshit. He tells you what's wrong and how you should fix it straight away."

Truly, Kotomine Kirei would have made a very good psychiatrist. In another life, he probably would have had talk-shows, written books and become even more famous than Oprah. Sadly in this life, psychiatry never became his passion, or anything else for that matter. For you see, while Kirei was able to understand emotions in others, he was never able to understand them within himself. Happiness, joy or even a sense of accomplishment. Kirei never felt these emotions no matter what discipline he trained in, or what achievements he gained. Even when he married a loving wife and had a beautiful baby girl, he still didn't experience these emotions.

And then something happened that added even more confusion to his struggles. He was chosen as a Master for the Fourth Holy Grail War: A battle for an omnipotent wishing device. The reason why the grail would choose him as one of its participant, he had no answer. However while the Grail War did not grant Kirei a chance for a wish, it granted him something that he came to value far much more.

Perspective.

Gained with the help of a very kind and very generous ancient king. This king was called Gilgamesh, and through his wisdom he was able to help Kirei realize his true desire.

To help people.

Yes, that was Kirei's yearning all along, what he really wanted. For example, there was that lovely silver-haired woman in the Grail War that was unfortunately on her death bed with no chance of saving her. So Kirei mercifully eased her pain through suffocation. There was also that poor, nice gentleman whose whose body was infested with magical worms, desperately trying to hang on to life in order to save his niece and reunite the little girl with her mother – who he had secretly been in love with. So Kirei healed him up and gave him the chance to confront the woman he loved for a heartfelt talk. Of course at the end of that talk the gentleman strangled the woman, cause her to lose her sanity and then died a sad lonely death.

Yes, Kirei's generosity and need to help others knew no bounds. That is why after the Grail War ended he took in all the orphaned children from the incident known as the Fuyuki Fire, and gave them a new life that is engaging and fulfilling every single day. So for the next ten years Kirei had continued to faithfully help others.

* * *

"I, well, I have a friend that told me this secret and I promised to keep it. But now, there are two people that I know and care about that are fighting each other and if I tell this secret I could help them and get them to stop, but, but I made a promised and I, I don't know what to do." Lamented a young high school girl.

"I see." Kirei nodded. "In that case your course should be clear." He continued.

"R-really." The girl said excitingly.

"Yes, you must continue to keep the secret hidden." He concluded.

"W-what?" The girl replied in confusion.

"As the secret keeper, you must uphold your word and not tell a soul of this secret that you know."

"B-but-"

"Even if it means that it could ruin the friendship of two people that you know and care about. Even if you have to do nothing and watch helplessly, you must continue to hold that secret in. To do otherwise would make you a traitor to the one who gave you the knowledge of the secret and made you its keeper." Kirei finished his argument with a firm nod.

"I, I see. Thank you father. Yes. I know what I should do. I won't hesitate about this anymore."

About a month later, the girl's two friends had a huge fight and never reconciled. Ever.

At least the girl held on to her word, right?

* * *

"I, I lost all my pay check on gambling, and then I lost the locket that my wife's mother gave her. It was the only one of its kind and the only thing she had to remember her mother by. I don't know what to tell her." Said a nervous young man.

"You tell her the truth." Replied Kirei with a simple answer.

"But, but she has a heart condition. I'm, I'm afraid of what to tell her. She probably won't notice that we don't have any money, or that the locket is missing for a while, but later on, she'll have to ask. I, I don't know what to do." Wailed the poor fellow.

"I see. Tell me, do you love you wife?" Kirei asked.

"O-of course."

"Then your course is clear. You must do what you can to make sure that she continues to lived happily for the rest of her life. She trusted you and you betrayed that trust. If she we're to ever find out the truth then surely you can see how that might affect her poor heart. If she we're to die because of your actions then it will be your responsibility for not showing her enough love, care and respect. Thus you must make sure that she lives a blissful happy life or else the dark truth might take away her kind soul."

"A-alright, thank you father." Said the man nervously before he strolled out.

The man lived a guilty, paranoid and stressful life till the end of his days.

* * *

Kirei also looked after his new student Rin who-

Oh yes, did I mention that in order to repay his mentor in Magecraft, Kirei took on the responsibility of becoming the teacher and guardian to his teacher's daughter. Truly, Kirei was a big-hearted person. After all, in his opinion, helping other was the gift that kept on giving. Why just recently the Fifth Grail War started fifty years early, and selflessly Kirei took on the dangerous role as its moderator. Since then he had done a lot for the sake of its participants. A close acquaintance of his was one of the Masters and in fear of her being harmed, Kirei gently took away her Command Spell and the responsibilities of a Master in the Grail War.

He saw that her Servant, Lancer, was a brash individual, so he restrained his desire to fight in order to teach him patience. He found a young man, who – like him – only wished to help others. So Kirei – truly moved by the young man's passion – sincerely congratulated him for his desire to help, and wished the young man the best of luck in his endeavour.

"I wonder if he'll become like his father?" Kirei wondered with his ever saintly smirk. The day had finally come to an end, but the ever hard working Kirei would not turn in just yet. He still had to meet his old helpful, kind ally Gilgamesh, he had to check on those diligent children in the basement, and annoy- I mean have a pleasant conversation with Lancer. He also needed to decide on which birthday card to sent his daughter.

_'I believe the card that warns about the sins of gluttony would be appreciated by her. Girls her age like to be reminded of their weight and how that reflects on their images, right? Maybe I should send one for Rin as well on her next birthda-'_

"Wow. I mean seriously, I'm impressed. What you guys hide in the basement is a whole other kind of shit than what people show on the news." Kirei was shaken from his thoughts and turned to see an peculiar individual had entered the church. Instantly he realized that this was a special being. One that craved blood and became an enemy of mankind. Of course his duty as a priest demand that he protect humanity from such monstrosities. However what slightly threw him off was the other aura he felt from the abomination.

The aura of a Servant.

* * *

Alucard had first thought to wonder around this new city for a bit. Then he felt the holy aura of a sacred ground nearby and thought to himself, _'I wonder if it's a church? It _has _been a long time since I sent a letter to the Pope. And a priest would know where to send a letter. Yelp, I know where to go now.' _

And so Alucard made his way to the church. He took his first step onto the holy ground and then stopped. _'Well, well, well. Now isn't this interesting.'_

What Alucard sense from the church was definitely something he wasn't expecting. Grief, sadness, despair. The whole package was here. He had to wonder what the heck kinda place was this to emit an atmosphere like that. With a grin he walked toward the church, feeling multiple life signs within it. One that was within the church and varies ones under it. He quietly entered church wanting to scare its current resident who was probably the priest. However the moment he entered he was able to smell and recognize who were the occupants below the church. "Wow. I mean seriously, I'm impressed. What you guys hide in the basement is a whole other kind of shit than what people show on the news."

Alucard had expected many things when he appeared before the priest. Insults, slander, fear, the guy pissing himself, and his all time favourite, overzealous shouts and scream in the name of the lord. What he saw however in the eyes of the priest, however was,

"I have to wonder at what sort of Master would summon a creature like you. No, maybe what is intriguing is that someone like you could be a considered a "Hero" in the first place." Kirei commented with a tone of curiosity.

Cruelty. A perverse sense of pleasure that one gains from the misery of others. As he recalled the term was schadenfreude. Most of all Alucard was surprised to see someone that was so much like him. The irony that it was a priest wasn't lost on him.

"And I have to wonder what sort of schedule do you set up with all those nice little folks in the basement. What? Is one not enough and you rotate between them. Oh, wait there's is more than seven. Ouch man, don't you know that addiction is bad for you. Although that's on a whole other scale of creepy."

Kirei didn't so much as raise an eyebrow at the statement. _'He can sense them!? Hmm, it seems like he doesn't know their purpose though. So that should be alright. However Gilgamesh would be infuriated should anything happen to his Prana supply.'_

"They are doing their role in the grand skim of things. Is it not like they are uncared for, but aside from your speculations, I suppose your here on your Master's behalf to introduce yourself to the war." Kirei said as he slowly waited for the information on the Servant to appear.

"And the hypocrisy come rolling~~~" Alucard sang and laughed at Kirei's reply.

"I don't know what you're doing with the little fucks, but I can smell the despair on them like rotten bananas. Man, the standard from priesthood went all kinds of south since back in my day."

"They are simple resigned to their assigned tasks." Kirei ignored the verbal slurs and easily replied as he read the Servant's information sheet. It was...enlightening to say the least. Servant Abridged!? And with an exclamation mark at that. He also realized that he could not feel the Master anywhere near the church.

"It seems that your Master isn't actually present. What is your task here Servant?" asked Kirei while telepathically sending a message his Servant. _'Come to the church, Lancer.'_

His reply was some sort of insult followed by an affirmative.

"Back home. Probably getting the whips and chains ready. She's kinky like that." Alucard said with a calm smile.

"As for me? Do you know how to send a letter to the Pope?" Stated Alucard. Kirei raised an eyebrow at the Servant's odd question.

"And why would a Dead Apostle wish to communicate with his Holiness?" In response Alucard let out a friendly bloodthirsty grin.

"Why? To send him death threats after all. I can't send my carrier pigeons without know the address after all. Sure I could try, but mixing up locations and all can be a bitch."

"...I see." Kirei realized that he was probably dealing with an insane individual. Sure all Dead Apostles are more or less off, but regardless of how different they were from humans, they held their own code of sorts. For one thing non would dare to do such a thing as openly threaten the Pope. To do so would amount to suicide for the Vampire in question. The individual in front of him of the other hand didn't seem to acknowledge or care about that. He simply wanted to cause chaos, panic and challenge one of the most powerful forces in the world because...it amused him.

At this realization, Kirei let out a simple smile.

"Dear god, you're creep. Do you meet all children with that rape face?" Alucard sneered with a smirk, feeling a fight is soon to begin.

"I'm afraid that moderator of this war or not, I can't allow a being like you to run free. Especially after you have made your intent clear." Kirei readied himself to clash with this heretical being and prepared his sacred dagger weapons, Black Keys, behind his back.

"Oh? You sure about that shitface. What are you gonna do? Throw little boys at me."

Kirei paused for a moment before he replied. "You know, in this day and age, it is widely accepted by many that Vampires don't burn in the sunlight. They sparkle."

"...What the f-" Alucard was interrupted as Kirei threw a number of Black Keys toward him with a swiftness that almost rivalled speeding cars.

Back up by his instincts, Alucard moved and was able to dodge. "You missed, bitch. Now what was that you were saying abou-"

"I'm afraid, that's not the case."

"What?" Then Alucard realized that he was paralyzed. This was very odd. The only thing he could feel the blade hit was...his shadow?

"It seems you are unfamiliar with these weapons. I have to wonder how you had survived for so long." The weapons Kirei had used were charms that took the form of blade, used by agents of the Church to repel demons. While they held many uses and properties, the one he used at the moment was the ability immobilize a target in their place by hitting their shadow.

_'Lancer, where are you?'_ Kirei send another message to his Servant.

_'I see the church. What? Someone finally got around to killing you? Damn. Maybe I should have taken the long way back.'_ Lancer answered back, contempt clear in the voice.

Kirei ignored Lancer's reply and kept his focus on the Servant in front of him. Something nagged about this situation. It was just...too easy. Even if the Servant was able to dodge the blades, why didn't he try to instantly retaliate? He simply dodged and-

He called the Servant Stats to his mind quickly, and as he took a fast look at it. One his first look, he saw the physical stats of the Servant and assumed his to be nothing but an average Servant and while his Mana level was insanely disturbing, the Servant didn't seem to know any Magecraft. Kirei reasoned that by using his abilities at full, straight out, he can keep occupied for a few minutes until Lancer arrived. If things went south, he could easily summon Lancer to surprise the Servant. Now however, other skills began to appear for the Vampire Servant.

_'Independent Action. Instinct. Eye of the Mind (True). Troll and Sarcasm?'_ The last two puzzled Kirei but he ignored them in favour of the ability that he didn't expect to see in the Servant's information sheet.

_'Curse Of The Living Dead.'_ This Servant was a Dead Apostle of such strength that it was actually considered a skill. There were so many abilities that were listed from this skill and Kirei had a feeling that he is not even see the full list of them. Among them those skills was-

"Think fast!" While Kirei was analyzing his opponent, Alucard used his power of Shadow Manipulation to dislodge himself from the Black Key. After which, he summoned a white gun and attacked Kirei. However none of his shots were aimed at vital areas. They were meant to weaken Kirei and, well, generally injure and make him suffer.

Kirei quickly started his Magic Circuits to Reinforce himself. He also immediately added the use of one his Command Spells to act as One-Use Crest so as to empower himself even further, allowing him to move fast enough to dodge the bullet launched on him. He then used another Command Spell to empower his Black Keys, causing them to expand to twice their size and tried to use them to block the oncoming bullets.

Keyword. Tried.

The moment a bullet collided with the blades, it broke them from to the force of its power. While the sacred swords were able to stop the oncoming bullets, they were destroyed in the process and the shock of the impact on Kirei's hand caused him severe pain. A lesser man would have stopped wielding the blades and used another method, but Kirei simply remade the Black Keys using his Prana and continued to block the attacks from the Servant in red. For a moment it seemed that things have reached a settlement.

And then Alucard took out a second gun.

The number of bullets easily doubled. It seemed that Kirei would have to sacrifice even more of his Command Spells to block and then close in on the Servant, hoping to overwhelm him in close combat making it more difficult – if not impossible – to use his guns. However before he could put his plans into action and expand on them, Lancer arrived.

Clank. Clank. Clank. Clank.

The bullets were easily knocked away, and the Servant in blue stood on guard for further attacks. "I'll admit, that toy had a bit more punch than the ones I've seen in this era, but they won't be enough against me. Too bad I have to kill you now for attacking my Master, even if he's a worthless cunt. I just hoped you would have killed him by now."

Alucard stopped attacking for a moment to take a good look at the new Servant. And then he burst out laughing.

"PPPFFFFF- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh fuck, my stomach. HeheheheHAHAHAHA. Oh god. What? Did you recruit this one young? I mean really, what's with the Evangelion Plug Suit? Holy shit, are those veins on the bloody stick. Wait!? Bloody. Pointy. Red. Stick. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA." Alucard was laughing so much that he almost fell on the ground while continuing to point at Lancer.

The Hound of Culann grew irritated with each insult until he lost his temper. "Alright you son of a bitch. Let me show you what the Servant of the Spear can do."

Alucard's laugher grew even more before he was forced to dodge an attack from the cursed spear. "Oy! Watch it! I don't want to get touched by the penis stick."

Lancer gritted his teeth and attacked with more ferocity. Alucard tried to return fire with his guns, but Lancer's abilities nullified any advantage Alucard had. With Protection from Arrows allowing Lancer to dodge any bullet with ease and his agility being two levels above Alucard, Lancer easily overwhelmed Alucard with pure speed and closed in on him. Attacking with his cursed weapon and it striking true.

"Ouch, fuck." The spear struck Alucard in his torso, before Lancer removed it and jumped back.

"What? Does your stomach still hurts." Lancer said with a smirk. Blood dripped from the wound as Alucard looked toward Lancer with a smirk of his own and replied.

"Yeah, because a guy in a gay plug suit just hit on me."

Lancer's eye twitched at the remark. "Tsk. Annoying bastard. Who are you anyway? What's your title Servant?"

"Well, what can I say. You guys make it so easy. As for who I am, you can call me Abridged!, because I drop bridges on people. As for who I am." Alucard stood straight, ignoring the pain easily and readied his guns once again. "I am your father." At that point Lancer's twitching eyebrow was on it's way to become a permanent feature.

"Let's dance, Luke." The battle continued almost the same like before. Alucard moved and fired at Lancer only for Lancer to easily dodge or block the attack and then close in on Alucard and strike him. Slowly, but surely Lancer's attack were taking Alucard out.

All the while as Kirei observed the scene before him something nagged at him. This Servant was too confident. Even now, with all the injures he was suffering at Lancer's hand, he was smirking widely. As if there was a private joke only he knew. Also as more abilities started to appear on red Servant's stat sheet, all the more intrigued Kirei became.

Nature of a Rebellious Spirit. Clairvoyance. Battle Continuation.

_'This doesn't make sense, and It's troubling.' _Nature of a Rebellious Spirit made some sense, he doubted that this Servant – from what he had seen so far – could be controlled. Clairvoyance also showed as the Servant was able to follow Lancer's spear even if he wasn't fast enough to stop it. Battle Continuation on the other hand, was slightly off putting. The rank shown for Battle Continuation was "EX", but there was no description or any reason why it is at such rank. _'Yet.' _He thought.

"Lancer, finish him off." He decided to take no chance. It maybe that this Servant had some hidden Noble Phantasm that would explain more about his ability and why he seemed so confident. Best to take him out now before he has his chance.

"I'm afraid I can't do that Master. Your orders are not to kill any other Servant on the first fight." Lancer said, hoping that saying such a thing would fool his Master into wasting another Command Spell so he would be one step closer to being free. Sadly, Kirei was not a person to be easily tricked.

"Yes, and you have survived your first battle. Now I order you to kill him." Kirei stated.

Lancer looked at Alucard in annoyance. He can probably continue to refuse Kirei's orders until a Command Spell was used, however he was not some dog whining for food. He faced Alucard and readied his spear. "Well then, any last words."

"Yeah. Is the plug suit to match the hair, or is the hair to match the plug suit?" Alucard responded mockingly even while bleeding and unable to move his arms or legs.

"Annoying bastard until the end aren't you." Sneered Lancer.

"That's what your mom said."

Lancer growled and settled into a particular pose. At this point, killing the enemy should be easy, however, easy or not, the enemy was a Servant. Lancer was also irritated enough that he decided to take no chance.

_**"Gae Bolg." **_

The Spear of Impaling Barbed Death. A cursed weapon that reverses causality. Before the spear was even launched, Alucard felt his heart being pierced. The red lance flew toward Alucard and struck true to its course.

"Gay. Plug." Alucard let out these final words before his body fell.

"Son of a..." Lancer muttered before noticing that the enemy Servant couldn't hear him anymore.

"So now what Master? Any other chore you want me to do tonight? I still haven't fought all the Servants yet, but this one wasn't even a challenge. What kind of name Servant Abridged is anyway..." Lancer faced Kirei to see what else his cowardly Master would want from him. However he trailed off as he saw that his Master's eyes lingered on where the other Servant was.

He slowly turned to see that the other Servant's corpse was still there. Not dissolving into Prana. Said corpse was also slowly shaking.

"Hehehehe." Slowly a laugh escaped the supposedly "killed" Servant, one that continued to grow.

"Hahahahahah. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA." Then – against all reason – the red Servant was somehow standing again.

"What the? How the hell are you still alive? Gae Blog struck your heart." Lancer exclaimed. Slowly the laugher died down, and suddenly Alucard lifted his face to look at his "opponents". Blood red eyes filled with insanity met Kirei and Lancer.

"Hey priest, answer truthfully. Do Vampire in this world actually fucking sparkle in the sunlight?" Alucard asked completely ignoring Lancer.

"Oy!"

"No it is simply a wide spread belief." Kirei answer while maintaining eye contact with the Servant. _'What is he going to do now?'_

"I see. And who started this...lovely speculation."

"I believe it was an American book series. I never bothered to learn its name."

"Stop ignoring me dammit." Shouted Lancer.

"Oh, okay. As thanks, I'll only kill you in a painful manner."

"Isn't "painless" what is normally used?" Asked Kirei not at all fearful of the threat.

"Oh you know. As I always say, fuck clichés. You know what else I always say?" Alucard said in an almost friendly manner.

Kirei simply raised his eyebrow while Lancer tensed, suddenly anticipating a difficult fight from the should-be-dead Servant.

_**"Release Restraint Level One." **_

Suddenly the shadows around Alucard exploded. Eyes appeared everywhere. On Alucard's body, floating around the room, on the walls. All those eyes staring unblinkingly at the blue Servant and the twisted priest. Alucard's body changed into a much slender one, wearing a black leather pants and straight jacket with an oversize eye on his chest.

**"Well then. Round two." **Alucard arm expanded, becoming a massive pile of flesh before it transformed a giant grim dog also covered in eyes.

"What the hell are you?" Shouted Lancer.

**"A Real Fucking Vampire." **The hellhound arm attacked Lancer who instantly moved to defend himself against the now, not-so-weak Servant.

As this scene happened before him, Kirei saw the new information given by the Grail on the Servant. It almost made him experience fear. All along, this Servant had been holding back a massive amount of his strength. The Servant's physical stats were now all at Rank A. What was truly alarming however were the number of other abilities that appeared, as well as a full explanation for the ones that were there before. _'This might be troubling.'_ Thought Kirei, trying to leave the church unnoticed.

Back at the battle, Lancer was actually holding his own against Alucard now in the released state. Striking the dog arm as it attempted to bite him. Slashing the shadows and monstrous arms that attacked from all angles. Dodging the now, insanely, accurate bullets. "What the hell happened to your sorry ass from before?"

**"I drank some Red Bull, and now I have wings."** And indeed wings made of shadows, blood and arms sprouted from his back before that numerous fingers on those arms all pointed at Lancer and shot bullets made of bones at him.

**"HA! Eat your heart out, Kimimaro." **Alucard kept up his attacks all and suddenly the dog arm opened its maw to produce a hand holding a black gun. Lancer kept evading and blocking the continuous attacks at him, but the sudden appearance of the pistol in the hound's mouth surprised him. He didn't have time to dodge the bullets, and could only block.

**"I bet not even the original could have came up with this shit."** The power of that shot was like a cannon. And even after Lancer blocked it with the shaft of his spear, it still launched him back with it's sheer force. Lancer hit the wall and was then assaulted by massive amount of fire from Alucard's gun and bone bullets.

However, while Alucard kept firing at Lancer with the hellhound arm, his attention was elsewhere.

BANG!

**"And where do you think you're going, dickwad?" **Kirei stopped seeing the hole left by the bullet in the wall next to him and turned to Alucard.

"Are you sure it's wise to look elsewhere from your fight?"

**"What are you talking about? I **_**am**_** looking at my fight."** While Alucard was gazing toward Kirei, Lancer started blocking Alucards bullets again and used his full speed to lunge at Alucard, still dodging the thousand bullets flying at hit.

"HEY! Eyes here buddy." Lancer continued to dodge and then passed by Alucard's hellhound arm. He was not close, at this range his attack could not miss.

_**"Gae-"**_

However, a jaw of teeth opened up at the side of the grim hound, an arm with a white gun within it. The white gun fired, forcing Lancer to abandon his attack and jump back, falling into the previous routine of blocking and dodging the bullet hell. **"As I was saying, I have my eyes on everything." **Alucard continued talking as if he wasn't in a life and death battle, as is the norm in a fight between Servants.

**"So, Mr. Compensating Senior, you wanna pray now or you are ready to be a chew toy?" **Alucard said with his ever present grin.

Kirei kept quiet and tried to see a solution to his situation.

**"Because I'm going to eat you." **

_'Maybe I should use one of my Command Spells to strengthen Lancer.'_

**"And use this dog head to chew on you."**

_'Should I call Gilgamesh? No, obviously not, he will be annoyed for being disturbed for such a – in his opinion – pathetic reason.'_

**"Thus, you get the label "chew toy""**

_'This Servant however might threaten Gilgamesh's Prana supply, but then that would simply make him frustrated at my "incompetence"'_

**"And by the way, spear dick here is Mr. Compensating Junior."**

_'How tiring.'_ But dying would be worse and definitely not on Kirei's plans. He'll just have to find some way to deal with Gilgamesh's ire from this "failure" later on. After all he still has to see the birth of the Grail.

**"Time's up." **Alucard lunged at Kirei with this normal arm drawn back, ready to slice Kirei like a knife. His speed was terrifying, he quickly crossed the distance between him and Kirei leaving only a few meter dividing them.

"Hey eyeballs!" Lancer shouted as he finished writing some Runes on the air with one hand while the other used the spear to block the bullets still being targeted at him. The Runes released an odd colored flames that was a mix between green, white and orange and homed in on Alucard. The eldritch wings took the hit from the weird flames, only to be completely destroyed and Alucard separated the wings from his back before the flames could move to consume him.

"Your fight is with me." Lancer said a blooded grin of his own. _'Looks like even Protection from Arrows have it's limits' _He thought. Apparently if enough attacks were used, one was bound to pass and hit him. Although to be fair, the one bullet that did scratch him had to be fired was fired from a Noble Phantasm. Those guns were too strong to be anything but that.

**"Isn't that right?...Nope." **A black gun sudden emerged from Alucard's arm and landed in his hand. At this distance there was no chance from him to miss nor for Kirei to do anything.

Almost anything.

_'By the power of my Command Spell, I order you, Servant Lancer to appear and defend me.'_

BANG!

The bullet was fired. Yet Kirei's speed of thought was faster than the trigger finger. Lancer disappeared and materialized exactly in front of Kirei to take the bullet. Empowered by the Command Spell, this time Lancer stopped the raging ember of lead without moving an inch.

Alucard whistled at the display in front of him. **"Not bad, not bad. You summoned him exactly where you wanted him. With his ass facing- Woah!"** Alucard was interrupted by a slash from Lancer he had to jump back to dodge.

Kirei realized that his situation was now dire. No matter what happend, this Servant will eventually overwhelm himself and Lancer. Abridged! also would not give him a chance to escape.

_'It seems there is no choice.' _Kirei resigned himself to what he had to do.

_'I apologize for disturbing you, Gilgamesh, but I'm afraid there is a situation here at the church, that neither I or Lancer can handle. An unusually powerful Servant has appeared and it seems that dealing with him is proving to be too difficult.'_

Kirei, sent the telepathic message and waited the ancient king's response, and almost instantly – before words were even spoken – a feeling of irritation passed through the mental link.

_'Kirei. You do realize that there will be consequences for requesting my assistance for something like this lowly chore.'_ Replied the Golden King.

_'I do, King of Heroes.'_

_'Then hold against this mongrel until I arrive. You will not fail.'_ No other words needed to be spoken. The king had sent his decree and now it must be followed.

"By the power of my Command Spell, I order you, Servant Lancer to fight and kill Servant Abridged! with all your strength, and with another Command Spell I reinforce the previous order." Lancer felt all his fatigue and inconvenient small wounds fade straight away, but the real difference was in the power he now felt course through him. He didn't think too much on how Kirei used more Command Spells than he should have and focused on Alucard.

"Alright! Get ready dog head, because the real fight starts now." With both hands wielding the cursed javelin, Lancer swung his weapon at Alucard who used his, now normal, arms to block the attack. The force of the swing caused Alucard to be thrown back across the church before he landed and balanced himself.

**"Well, well, don't you two look cute. Father and Timmy uniting for a common cause." **

"Who the hell are you calling Timmy?" Lancer cried back.

**"Oh? You realized I'm talking about you." **

"Why you-"

"Lancer, don't fall to his ruse." Said Kirei, interrupting Lancer on-coming tantrum. He then summoned three Black Keys for each of his hands and readied himself to fight.

"Oooh? My cowardly Master is actually thinking of getting off his ass and doing some work." Lancer said with doubting wonderment.

"Yes, it seems I need to be involved since you could not handle your duties." Kirei causally replied back.

"Oy, I'll have you know-"

**"While I'm sure this marriage couple comedy shtick is wonderful and all, I have to tell you. Both of you have an appointment."** The Shadows then expanded again, attempting to cover every corner of the church. **"With the You-Fuckers-Are-Already-Dead train."**

Lancer dashed and grabbed Kirei before he jumped back and kicked the wall of the church, causing an elephant sized hole in it. He raced outside to gain more free space to fight in. He let go of Kirei and and quickly wrote a few more Runes on the air that launched the same fire from before in massive waves at Alucard as he emerged from the large hole in the side of the church.

"Damn. That guy is a hell of a monster, and with only his own power. Just damn." Lancer said in annoyance.

_'What?'_ Kirei thought in surprise. "Lancer, could you elaborate on that?"

Even if it was phrased as a question Lancer knew it was an order. "You should know Master. I can qualify for the Caster Class too. I have enough skill to at least be able to tell that all this time, this guy wasn't getting any Prana from his Master. He was doing that all on his own."

The only surprise Kirei showed was a slight widening of his eyes. _'But without any backing from his Master, without an active Prana source...'_

Kirei quickly formed a plan in his mind. A Servant without an active Prana source was no different from a wandering spirit. Regardless of Abridged!'s massive Prana reserves, they will deplete themselves as the fight went on, thus giving Kirei a great opportunity.

"Lancer, here is what we will do. Keep him occupied for a bit to the best of your ability. Then when I signal you, I want you to use the other version of your Noble Phantasm."

"Hooo, very well." Lancer replied with a wide grin.

Alucard emerged from the debris of the Fire Rune attack and slowly walked to his opponents. **"Seriously you two. How could you damage the house of the Lord? Shame on you."**

"Lancer." Before the blue Servant could rise to the verbal bait Kirei stopped him. Lancer bit back his reply and focused on the twisted Servant.

"Yeah, yeah. Bring it monster." Lancer darted toward Alucard, spear at ready.

**"And the first to the slaughter is?" **Alucard took out his guns and his shadows raced toward Lancer. To an outside observer it seemed like there were crimson dogs swimming in the blooded shadows. Lancer sliced them as he raced toward Alucard, all while also blocking his attacks from his guns.

"Your mother." Lancer said as he closed in on Alucard.

**"Woah. Bitch learned how to talk back." **

And so the battle between the two continued, with Lancer dodging and using his cursed weapon to slash at Alucard and his summons, while Alucard attacked with his beasts and his guns.

While the fight between the two Servant took place Kirei put his plan into action. Originally Kirei possessed ten Command Spell. Seven that were left from the previous war and three "donated" by Lancer's former Master. He had used one command to order Lancer to scout for him. Two against Abridged! on their first encounter. One to summon Lancer to defend him and two more to empower Lancer. He only had three Command Spells left, with only two that he could actually use. Lancer would not give up the chance to kill him after this event and he needed something to force the Servant back in line.

Kirei summoned twenty blades and planted them all around him. These were not the Black Keys he used before, not completely. The blades were Conceptual Weapons, known as the Keys of Providence. These swords had the ability to forcibly purify Vampires and turn their flesh to ashes causing them to be very effective weapons against the cursed undead. However, just for the sake of more fire power, Kirei added ten Black Keys to the mix. He then added two Holy Sacraments that he had learned due to his connection to Magecraft to increase the blades' deadliness, the Cremation Sacrament which caused burns the target stuck by them, and the Dokhma Sacrament that causes its victims to become dehydrate.

With this preparations complete Kirei sent a message to Lancer. _'I'm ready. I'll throw you one of my Black Keys, use it to immobilize him.'_

_'You sure about that Master? This guy can control shadows. I don't think those tooth picks will work for long.'_

_'It matters not. I only need him contained for one second. You prepare your attack.' _And with that the conversation was over. Lancer kept attack Alucard and moved closer to him. Seeing Lancer is close enough, Kirei threw one of the Black Keys.

**"Holy crap. The paedophile's gone blind."** Alucard commented seeing that the blade missed him badly. Only for Lancer to catch it and stick it into the ground where a piece of Alucard's shadow was placed. **"Are you guys-"**

Before he could say any insult, Lancer launched himself away as Alucard was bulldozed by many holy weapons, blessed by many properties meant for one thing and one thing only.

To annihilate any heretical beings from this earth.

Alucard flesh dried up like a leaf in a desert before it was eaten by flames. Adding in the effects from the Keys of Providence and the twisted Servant was sure he died about three times already.

Just then the Vampire saw Lancer jump in the air about fifty meters away from him with his arm pulled back.

_**"GAE-"**_

And the spear blazed with dark energy. Its curse solidifying around its shape, ready to unleash death upon its victims. And this horrifying power was increased even further by a thought from Kirei. _'By the power of my Command Spell, I order you, Servant Lancer to place all your might into this blow.'_

_**"-BOLG!"**_

Lancer launched the spear and as the command of Kirei took effect, the spear glowed more furiously and moved three times faster than before.

**"Oh shi-"** Alucard never had the chance to finish that sentence as the Noble Phantasm struck him head on. The resulting explosion was deafening. The ground shook from the force of the legendary weapon's blow, leaving a giant crater where the Servant of blood and darkness once stood.

Lancer landed with his balance barely intact. He panted, running out of breath. That attack used up almost all his Prana. He wonder if his Master would provide him with his much needed energy now, or would he continue being an annoying ass. Still, it would be the right decision seeing that now, Lancer was free of his Kirei's control he could finally show the fake priest what he thinks of him. "Oy, Master. Now that-"

"I will kill. I will let live. I will harm and heal. None will escape me."

At first the Irish hero thought that Kirei was preparing some sort of attack on him. So, Lancer readied to moved and stop him before he felt some Prana from where Servant Abridged! had been.

"None will escape my sight. Be crushed."

"Oh, come on!" Lancer exclaimed in disbelief.

"I welcome those who have grown old and those who have lost. Devote yourself to me, learn from me, and obey me."

"Are you bloody kidding me?" Lancer saw as the Servant of blood slowly raised himself from the crater.

"Rest. Do not forget song, do not forget prayer, and do not forget me. I am light and relieve you of all your burdens."

"What the hell does it take to keep this guy down for good?" Lancer's enquiry was only met with a bloodied grin.

"Do not pretend. Retribution for forgiveness, betrayal for trust, despair for hope, darkness for light, dark death for the living."

Before Lancer could do anything Alucard summoned one of his guns and blasted the blue Servant in the chest. Had Lancer been at his full capacity, or even his normal capacity, he could have easily blocked or evaded this attack. Sadly, he was completely spent from his earlier attack, thus was hit by the shot and was thrown toward the forest surrounding the church by its force.

"Relief is in my hands. I will add oil to your sins and leave a mark."

**"Humph, humph, humph. One bitch down."** Alucard looked toward Kirei and moved to greet him. With his jaws. **"Second one, coming up."**

"Eternal life is given through death."

Alucard rushed toward Kirei, mouth opened. **"Come to my belly."**

"Ask for forgiveness here."

Alucard's is a Servant, in his normal state, he can out-run even a superhuman champion while skipping backwards. In his released state, he might as well be compared to a jet flying at sonic speed.

"I, the incarnation, will swear."

However Alucard holds one flaw, that he can never let go of. He always underestimates his targets. After all, for someone of his power, why should he bother to fight seriously. When he does, things stop being a challenge. So almost naturally – at least when faced with a weaker opponent – Alucard limits himself to being faster and stronger than this enemies by enough to show them that it is hopeless.

And that was his mistake, right now he was charging at Kirei at above superhuman speed, knowing that Kirei in – what should be now – his exhausted state can only watch in despair as his opponent robs him from his life. Or at least Alucard thought so. He couldn't have known that Kirei wasn't the type of person to feel despair or anything for that matter, but joy at the suffering of other. However even if he did, Alucard wouldn't have changed his method of dealing with him.

With the use of his second to last command spell Kirei sidestepped Alucard's outstretched hand and closed in on him. With the speed of the enchanted mark along with his Reinforcement Spell, Kirei was almost equal to Alucard's current speed. And at the distance between we them now measured in inches, that was enough.

"Kyrie eleison."

Kirei plunged his arm with all his strength, speed, and weight into Alucard's stomach, just as he finished the last incantation of his holy ritual. A magical sign appeared in a gleaming light from where Kirei impacted Alucard, causing it's blessed light to burst brightly, and engulf the Servant of the night whole.

It was called the Baptism Rite. The only magical miracle taught within the Church. A simple ritual of ten-count incantation that holds supreme power over against spiritual beings. It effect appears immediately after its spoken, causing any spiritual bodies it strikes to be purified and exorcised immediately. Normally against Servants it would have little to no effect, but Servant cut off from their Master can be considered little more than wandering spirits in a sense. Thus, against Alucard, a spiritual being and a Dead Apostle, a being that should absolutely fall to the might of this miracle, he should have been ultimately destroyed.

**"Is that it?"**

Unfortunately, that was not the case. This Thaumaturgy while extremely powerful when used right, was simply not enough against Alucard for a number of reason. The first being that Servant Abridged! was a self-sustained being, thus – even without a Master – he is his own source of Prana. The second is,

**"Nice try. The effort is really commendable, but you see, I'm Mothafucking Alucard. The very First God Damn Vampire. Shit like this hurts but it doesn't kill me."** Alucard used his multiple arms to hold Kirei in place while he held his head in his hands. **"And now, any last words?"**

With his name revealed Kirei now saw the complete information on the Servant's stat sheet. After reading it, he only had one thing left to say. "It seems like, I never stood a chance to begin with. Such a shame." He said with a small laugh. His only regret being not seeing this war to its conclusion. Alucard then returned to his Sealed State as he no longer needed his real power.

"Yep your still a creepy fuck. By the way, what's your nam- Oh forget it, I'll find out from your blood. OM NOM NOM NOM!"

Alucard sank his teeth into Kirei neck, draining him of all his life, devouring his very soul and with it all his memories.

And what he saw in Kirei's memories was...enlightening.

"Oooooh, herherherherherhahahahahahahahahahaha. Well, well, well. Oooh what _fun_ this war is going to be."


End file.
